Contrition
May 29, 2015
G.D.O'Bradovich III
confiteor deo omnipotenti vobis fratres quia peccavi nimis
cogitatione verbo opere et omissione
cogitatione verbo opere et omissione
It is a quirk of self awareness, or being repeatedly told during my youth, perhaps incorrectly, that I am an introvert, that I rarely encounter the alien feeling of regret. My behavior is not rash and I am reticent and thoughtful. I suppose there is a minority of us whose feelings are important, but these feelings are subject to reason. A layman’s scrutinization of a psychopath and a Vulcan might have similar conclusions, but any fan of Science Fiction would know there are fundamental differences.
For myself, profound contrition is such a rarity that I recall all the times that I felt regret. I make a distinction between contrition and hindsight. Hindsight is where I should have studied business management in University, stead of Biochemistry. The ultimate motivation for my major was earning money, not science per se, unfortunately that was not apparent to me at that time. We can not deny our Capricorn nature. Against stupidity, even the Gods struggle in vain. We consign all of my supposed acts of conflict, cruelty, meanness, thoughtlessness, and rudeness to the effect of my interactions with others and not the cause, that is, my reaction to them.
I would not have know the meaning of contrition, except for the church. For many weeks before, and many weeks afterward, I didn’t eat on Sunday mornings. I don’t recall the age of the “incident”, but I suppose I was old enough to know better, but a “lapse” in judgment sends me to confession. I was always suspect of confession, not for ecclesiastical or Christological reasons, but for the simple rationale that I am a person who values privacy. Placing a high value on privacy might explain my uneasiness with the openness of Modernity and its resultant expressiveness. I was hungry, no doubt, since I hadn’t eaten since dinner the previous day. I ate a circus peanut, and another. As I said, I was hungry. I ate several. Did I feel guilt or contrition? No, I did not. Did I feign guilt? No. I was hungry “and I did eat.” I acted upon my own will, with the intent and knowledge of my goal. I was not enticed by an outside entity. I was the cause, it was my fault. Perhaps in hindsight, maybe this series of incidents was the genesis of my conflict with the Church. I ate, but felt no guilt when my actions were discovered. It was a lapse of judgment, I acknowledge; what was I thinking? But the attempt to make me feel guilt...Come on, Vicar of Christ, aren’t you better than that? Isn’t there a higher power or reason that you could channel? Nope, guess not. If one doesn't succumb to fear or guilt, the Church, that is, its acting representatives, loses its only source of power, that is, control. Recalling this incident, I only feel resentment. Oh, resentment and Christianity- unnaturally joined-amoral.
I assess an individual's behavior by the parameters I have observed, sometimes for many years. For every person I meet, there is a range of behavior that is expected and that range is dependent upon circumstances during our encounters. When one steps outside of this channel of comfort, I know something is amiss. Without deferring to the Tarot, I am forced to use to my experience and my judgment during these unpredictable times. While this secondary system is not perfect, it does provides a warning regarding others whose unknown intentions are evident by their previously unobserved behavior. One must be on guard against scandalous individuals. Recently, a certain youth inquired how “I was doing…” or some similar sentiment. Whereas I recall all incidents of contrition, I dismiss all inquiries of my “doings” and my “feelings” as irrelevant. Life is short, art is long. While his body language showed no discernible discrepancies from previous encounters, this subject was behaving and talking abnormally and I knew something was amiss. I replied to the effect that I’ve known you for ten years and I don’t recall you ever asking me that question. I followed this with a statement about wasting time, wasting effort and money. Caustic would be a good word to describe my reaction. I saw nothing in this encounter that would not be repeated with other people who also possess ill defined motivations, unreasonable behaviors and pose mind numbing questions. I left the conversation, both physically and mentally, as one leaves footprints on a beach.
However, this conversation stayed with me. -It bothered me.- Why?-I correctly assessed his behavior-Something was different--Something was amiss- Something was not right, I knew it, but what was it? Going over the detail, point by point...
Upon a complete review, I was only partially correct.
Something was amiss, was different, it was not with this gentleman, but with me. While we don’t change, our circumstances do change. The innocent question was not, perhaps, the bastard offspring of idle “chit chat”, but the legitimate child of concern. Is this possible? Was he demonstrating a new behavior ? NB, George, he did not make his inquiry when we were in a group, but waited until I was alone. No doubt, I reasoned, he was taking into account my personal value regarding privacy, but that regard for my preference would reasonably indicate thoughtfulness, tact and patience-above all-forsight. Thoughtfulness? From “Think it, say it”? Tact? From him? Patience? From “I want it, I want it now”. Oh, the painful realization that I was in wrong regarding my secondary assumptions. Error upon error. Compounding. I marginalized his good intentions, I trivialized his concern. My motivation, my intent is irrelevant. The outcome; monstrous, the result...repentance.
Repentance, that is, a changing of one’s mind, initiated by regret. Regret regarding my behavior. Profound regret-contrition. I applied the wisdom of Fortune cookies regarding screaming children and good intentions. It was the only reasonable course of action. The details of the follow up conversation are of no concern, so I will not relate it. However, for completeness, I feel it should be recorded that reconciliation was achieved. Reconciliation is easy between minds who admit reason and admire virtues. Reconciliation is easy when one clearly states that their interpretation of reality or of events was incorrect. It was neither juvenile or guilt laden or demeaning, nor should it ever be.
It is my fervent hope, Gentle Reader, that one can fully understand the incidents that I have related-motivated by guilt, lust and of concern; from an organization that professes the Good News, myself and a self avowed atheist.
In closing, I offer the following as a guilt free pleasure:
For myself, profound contrition is such a rarity that I recall all the times that I felt regret. I make a distinction between contrition and hindsight. Hindsight is where I should have studied business management in University, stead of Biochemistry. The ultimate motivation for my major was earning money, not science per se, unfortunately that was not apparent to me at that time. We can not deny our Capricorn nature. Against stupidity, even the Gods struggle in vain. We consign all of my supposed acts of conflict, cruelty, meanness, thoughtlessness, and rudeness to the effect of my interactions with others and not the cause, that is, my reaction to them.
I would not have know the meaning of contrition, except for the church. For many weeks before, and many weeks afterward, I didn’t eat on Sunday mornings. I don’t recall the age of the “incident”, but I suppose I was old enough to know better, but a “lapse” in judgment sends me to confession. I was always suspect of confession, not for ecclesiastical or Christological reasons, but for the simple rationale that I am a person who values privacy. Placing a high value on privacy might explain my uneasiness with the openness of Modernity and its resultant expressiveness. I was hungry, no doubt, since I hadn’t eaten since dinner the previous day. I ate a circus peanut, and another. As I said, I was hungry. I ate several. Did I feel guilt or contrition? No, I did not. Did I feign guilt? No. I was hungry “and I did eat.” I acted upon my own will, with the intent and knowledge of my goal. I was not enticed by an outside entity. I was the cause, it was my fault. Perhaps in hindsight, maybe this series of incidents was the genesis of my conflict with the Church. I ate, but felt no guilt when my actions were discovered. It was a lapse of judgment, I acknowledge; what was I thinking? But the attempt to make me feel guilt...Come on, Vicar of Christ, aren’t you better than that? Isn’t there a higher power or reason that you could channel? Nope, guess not. If one doesn't succumb to fear or guilt, the Church, that is, its acting representatives, loses its only source of power, that is, control. Recalling this incident, I only feel resentment. Oh, resentment and Christianity- unnaturally joined-amoral.
I assess an individual's behavior by the parameters I have observed, sometimes for many years. For every person I meet, there is a range of behavior that is expected and that range is dependent upon circumstances during our encounters. When one steps outside of this channel of comfort, I know something is amiss. Without deferring to the Tarot, I am forced to use to my experience and my judgment during these unpredictable times. While this secondary system is not perfect, it does provides a warning regarding others whose unknown intentions are evident by their previously unobserved behavior. One must be on guard against scandalous individuals. Recently, a certain youth inquired how “I was doing…” or some similar sentiment. Whereas I recall all incidents of contrition, I dismiss all inquiries of my “doings” and my “feelings” as irrelevant. Life is short, art is long. While his body language showed no discernible discrepancies from previous encounters, this subject was behaving and talking abnormally and I knew something was amiss. I replied to the effect that I’ve known you for ten years and I don’t recall you ever asking me that question. I followed this with a statement about wasting time, wasting effort and money. Caustic would be a good word to describe my reaction. I saw nothing in this encounter that would not be repeated with other people who also possess ill defined motivations, unreasonable behaviors and pose mind numbing questions. I left the conversation, both physically and mentally, as one leaves footprints on a beach.
However, this conversation stayed with me. -It bothered me.- Why?-I correctly assessed his behavior-Something was different--Something was amiss- Something was not right, I knew it, but what was it? Going over the detail, point by point...
Upon a complete review, I was only partially correct.
Something was amiss, was different, it was not with this gentleman, but with me. While we don’t change, our circumstances do change. The innocent question was not, perhaps, the bastard offspring of idle “chit chat”, but the legitimate child of concern. Is this possible? Was he demonstrating a new behavior ? NB, George, he did not make his inquiry when we were in a group, but waited until I was alone. No doubt, I reasoned, he was taking into account my personal value regarding privacy, but that regard for my preference would reasonably indicate thoughtfulness, tact and patience-above all-forsight. Thoughtfulness? From “Think it, say it”? Tact? From him? Patience? From “I want it, I want it now”. Oh, the painful realization that I was in wrong regarding my secondary assumptions. Error upon error. Compounding. I marginalized his good intentions, I trivialized his concern. My motivation, my intent is irrelevant. The outcome; monstrous, the result...repentance.
Repentance, that is, a changing of one’s mind, initiated by regret. Regret regarding my behavior. Profound regret-contrition. I applied the wisdom of Fortune cookies regarding screaming children and good intentions. It was the only reasonable course of action. The details of the follow up conversation are of no concern, so I will not relate it. However, for completeness, I feel it should be recorded that reconciliation was achieved. Reconciliation is easy between minds who admit reason and admire virtues. Reconciliation is easy when one clearly states that their interpretation of reality or of events was incorrect. It was neither juvenile or guilt laden or demeaning, nor should it ever be.
It is my fervent hope, Gentle Reader, that one can fully understand the incidents that I have related-motivated by guilt, lust and of concern; from an organization that professes the Good News, myself and a self avowed atheist.
In closing, I offer the following as a guilt free pleasure: