Borderline Personality Disorder
June 1, 2021
G.D.O'Bradovich III
1
The following essay is unlike our previous efforts and was composed haphazardly both on paper and electronically. Although we started with nine predefined sections to address the implicit subject, this method quickly fell into disuse. Some editing occurred during the early stages, but, too, that was abandoned. The paper does not flow, but is disjointed. The speaker is not consistent, variously either the formal ‘we’ or the informal ‘I’. We mention this specific aspect so that no one will attempt to find an esoteric meaning in our unedited work.
The original plan was to have the centered topic, the fifth section, with certain suggestive comments and although this has been abandoned, the inquisitive reader will find the work to be internally consistent and touch upon the nine implied subjects. Additionally, our effort is also consistent with everything else that we have published.
The subtitle is taken from Apprentice Jonathan’s initial paper into the Wonderful World of Occult Research wherein he comments upon implications and unstated conclusions from previous essays.
During an exorcism, the alleged demon will attempt to convince the exorcist that the demonic is not possessed. This is call the ‘pretense’, where the exorcist is being misled. Once the pretense has been removed, the exorcist can ask the demon his name and the exorcism proper can being.
Aspects of pretense can be found in this essay, as we are both cautious and private. However, in the open spirit of Modernism, the careful and thoughtful reader will, no doubt, discover useful information.
In conclusion to this part, we consider ourselves fortunate that Apprentice Graham, who will studying for his Master’s degree [in psychology, not the Occult], made a post on the topic of borderline personality disorder.
The original plan was to have the centered topic, the fifth section, with certain suggestive comments and although this has been abandoned, the inquisitive reader will find the work to be internally consistent and touch upon the nine implied subjects. Additionally, our effort is also consistent with everything else that we have published.
The subtitle is taken from Apprentice Jonathan’s initial paper into the Wonderful World of Occult Research wherein he comments upon implications and unstated conclusions from previous essays.
During an exorcism, the alleged demon will attempt to convince the exorcist that the demonic is not possessed. This is call the ‘pretense’, where the exorcist is being misled. Once the pretense has been removed, the exorcist can ask the demon his name and the exorcism proper can being.
Aspects of pretense can be found in this essay, as we are both cautious and private. However, in the open spirit of Modernism, the careful and thoughtful reader will, no doubt, discover useful information.
In conclusion to this part, we consider ourselves fortunate that Apprentice Graham, who will studying for his Master’s degree [in psychology, not the Occult], made a post on the topic of borderline personality disorder.
2
By the turn of the century, we had speculated that an identical twin would explain most, if not all, of our personal behavioral anomalies. This conclusion was entirely subjective and we would not receive supporting evidence until August 6, 2017 when Apprentice Moses sent us two photographs.
We immediately recognized our hair, our slumping posture only seen during trying times, and the shirt bought at Wal-Mart that is only worn for special occasions, such as karaoke. Since I could not place the location of the picture, I soon realized that the picture was not of me. Additionally, the individual is left handed. In early 2021, we learned from previously sealed court records that ‘Father’ George Rados of Saint George Church allegedly attempted to place one child with two couples: the O’Bradovichs and the Davids. We are grateful, firstly, that the social worker was thorough in documenting the farcical encounters among the various parties and, secondly, that the documentation lacked sufficient redaction to repudiate the existence of two infants. The unsealed documents consistently record our birth as December 22 on multiple occasions and this date was always ‘corrected’ to December 23 during the six months leading up to the issuance of the amended birth certificate. It seems highly unlikely that there would be consistent confusion regarding the birth of one child and his release from the hospital. However, if two children are imagined, then two separate birth dates and two different release dates from the hospital are understandable, as the events have been confounded and the evidence for this confusion is the inconsistencies found in the documentation. Therefore, from our subjective conclusion, the photographic evidence, and the legal paperwork, one can reasonably concluded that Yours Truly is an identical twin.
Yearbooks from Vigo county and the surrounding communities were used in our attempt to locate our supposed brother. We compiled a list of nearly four hundred names and searched for their addresses, birthdays, and contact information. We acknowledge the assistance of Apprentice Denver whose kindness allowed us to use his application for our research.
Initially, our search for our brother was to seek answers to obscure, but pressing, questions and to bring stability to our life and we now know that the later will not happen. We are unstable not because we’re separated twins; we are unstable because we are unstable. We do not know if this instability is due to Nature, or genetics, or nurture, or Astrology. From the plethora of questions at the beginning of our quest, we now have only two questions for our brother.
Our initial subjective conclusion that we were a twin was reached from analyzing various facts, including our behavior. The reasons for these various behaviors can also find support in astrology, through studying our natal chart. We studied Astrology before we stumbled upon the theory of being a twin. Our Mars in Libra explains why our relationships are unstable, yet being an identical twin not being able to naturally bond would also clarify our poor relationships, as the primal relationship was never established; there was no external support, everything was self centered, in other words, introverted. Our rising sign is on the cusp of Virgo, which explains why we can be both critical and supportive of people , yet always have a fondness for animals. Our inability to remember personal names was attributed to our dislike of people, yet even those we do like, we would often forget their names. The use of nicknames compensates for our for our inability to remember names. Fortunately, this strange characteristic was explained by our chart: our Moon is in Aquarius. At one time, we were satisfied that our issues and challenges could be explained through the applied science of Astrology. However, on this point, we are no longer certain, although natal charts do provide insights for specific tendencies.
The paradox among our not wanting to be alone or abandoned, our dislike of being touched, and our near revulsion of being demonstrative in our youth will not be lost on the Gentle Researcher. We do not want to be alone, yet. we do not want to date; we fear abandonment, yet. we cannot make any personal commitment. The terror when Donnie states ‘I don’t wanna be alone.’ is palpable. Pragmatically speaking, we are stuck: if we take any action towards dating, then we fear a breakup and being abandoned; if we maintain the status quo, then we remain alone. ‘If you move I strike, and if you do not move I strike.’
Except for possibly two Pisces and a Cancer Gemini of the High School cohort [2016-2020], the individual Apprentices have accumulated more time in personal relationships by their graduation than Yours Truly had in the preceding four decades. In our own way, we have always understood the high schoolers. As adults age, most tend to forget the angst of being a teenager, the in-between time of not being a child and not being an adult, a social and psychological no man’s land, and the associated issues of this difficult time. Along with our practice of Astrology, we suggest that our rapport with our teenage subordinates in food service was due in no small part to our easy recollection of the difficulties of navigating high school, that is, generally speaking, I could relate to the high schoolers as easily as their peers and better than their parents, coaches, or teachers. In conclusion to this part, I understand the environment of the high schoolers better than I understand the milieu of adults who are in serious relationships or who have spouses, children, and grandchildren.
The paradox of our indifference to opinions and our seeking of quality time with associates and acquaintances should not be lost on the Gentle Reader. Long age we recognized the correlation between engaging with certain people [Libras, generally, and Apprentice Sarah Louise, specifically] and the resulting productivity, whether in writing, composing, researching, or painting. It seems that our engaging in the practice of ‘hanging out’ was a mean to two ends: firstly, to not be alone and, secondly, to find inspiration for our work.
We oftentimes view ourselves as a scientist, a great Occultist who, by the power of the mind alone, has touched upon certain concealed truths and obscure mysteries. At times, we believe we are a doctor, teaching various insights to those who will listen and can appreciate our discernment. We do not apologize when we speak differently to separate audiences, as ‘knowledge has no obligation to ignorance’. The reality, of course, is much different. We have remained in Terre Haute, a town that in good years remains stagnant; always descending, but never touching bottom. We stay, because there is no place to go. As Apprentice Osif observed, the whole world is Terre Haute.
We readily acknowledge that we have ‘manic’ episodes, since we can not give all the credit for our insights to ‘Beaky’, and the inevitable slide into depression. However, we always associated our depression with the thought that we should not be where we are; that we should be somewhere else and doing more important, more extraordinary, and less mundane, things. We could have not know then that our depression is the result of our being and our depression does not exist as a byproduct of our failing either academically at a world class university or in the world at large. ‘I have since come to understand that’ I had no valid reason to pursue a career in biochemistry or any of the natural sciences. Of course, we do not recall anyone suggesting that there were other career choices more suited to our linguistic and philological interests, although the senior edition of our high school paper predicted Yours Truly being a televangelist. Our distrust of opinions has a long history based in gross misunderstandings and is not without reason.
We have frequently mentioned our habit of vicarious living. As Apprentice RJ observed: Yours Truly asks ‘so many questions as to swim in the lives of the Apprentices.’ To be clear: I do not care about their personal lives per se, but I am concerned about their progress as human beings, generally, and their careers, specifically. We now know that our vicarious living is indicative of our feeling of emptiness. Our exhilaration in making discoveries and previously unknown connections may be comparable to others who are happy or content. We doubt that we have experienced joy, but we are always pleased to see certain people, those who we have an interest in, enjoying their achievements, even though we can not fully understand or appreciate the experience, e.g., former and future Apprentice Brock playing high school football, Jack Daily on his acceptance to West Point, and certain Apprentices in basic training. Our pace of finished writings for the last two years has dropped dramatically, while our unfinished works have increased proportionally. At this point in time, we must conclude that we are no longer motivated to research and record our work.
We now know that our ‘aggressive behavior’ stems from an ‘increased detachment from reality’ and our ‘inability to cope with the forces in the world’. Early in our studies of the early Church, we stumbled upon Gnosticism and although Gnosticism satisfactorily explains both the bizarre behavior of the Lord God of the Old Testament and the contrast with the Father in with New Testament. We cannot believe that archons exist and if they did, then it is doubtful they would not find our human experience interesting and thereby negatively influence our lives by material enticements and physical pleasures to insure our captivity in the material world Therefore, our anger is not directed at some supposed Demiurge who oversees the cosmos and chooses his favorite humans, but is aimed at those mindless NPC who we have encountered throughout our lives. Our bittern criticism extends to those individuals who allegedly know more about me than I know about myself. ‘Father’ Daniel Rohan is righly included in this group along with all those who act upon their priestly instincts, their alleged moral superiority and supposed spiritual insights notwithstanding, who place themselves in the midst of personal affairs, drawn like sailor to a Siren, that are not of any concern to them. Who do they think they are to interfere in people’s lives? Like so many others, they are absent during long periods of personal struggle, but when the situation develops into a crisis or an opportunity, they wring their hands, offer empty lectures on topics they know not, and let the accused ‘know that’ they ‘know best 'cause after all,’ they ‘do know best.’
It is a personal failing as a Capricorn that we do not relish our natural role as a scapegoat. We have no issue when we are the cause for some result, for we do not deny reality, yet, when false accusations are flung at us, as they so often are, we become justifiably indignant. From long and painful experience, we have learned not to accuse others, but to ask questions. Those individuals who are eager to accuse do so for ‘moral’ reasons, that is, they erroneously believe they have the moral high ground. We cannot hope to permanently defeat these degenerates, as they appear like Hydra’s heads denying reality, making accusations, and positioning themselves as beacons of morality. They cannot be beaten for their values are as plastic as their intellect is vapid.
We are expected to turn to family and friends for support.
What family? Will we ever be supported by family who takes their cue from the state of Indiana and treats us as second class citizens? The answer, Gentle Reader, is ‘No.’ Statistically speaking, as a subject in a poorly overseen social experiment, we were never going to experience anything but abandonment and anxiety.
What friends? When one cannot trust family, it is highly unlikely that one would trust ‘friends’ and without trust, there is no possibility of support. Therefore, for the most part, we have been reliant upon ourselves, on our own limited knowledge and experiences. By reason of of lack of experience and worldly knowledge, we are in an unceasing whirlpool of abandonment and trust issues with the accompanying unending anxiety and depression. It is not surprising that graduates of the foster care system experience post traumatic stress syndrome at rates multiple times higher than military veterans. For adults of the foster system, the stresses of the various conflicts, personal, interpersonal, and social, is ever present: there is no relief. We fully appreciate that so many graduates turn to illicit drugs and alcohol: to self-medicate or to make their miserable existence somewhat bearable.
Yearbooks from Vigo county and the surrounding communities were used in our attempt to locate our supposed brother. We compiled a list of nearly four hundred names and searched for their addresses, birthdays, and contact information. We acknowledge the assistance of Apprentice Denver whose kindness allowed us to use his application for our research.
Initially, our search for our brother was to seek answers to obscure, but pressing, questions and to bring stability to our life and we now know that the later will not happen. We are unstable not because we’re separated twins; we are unstable because we are unstable. We do not know if this instability is due to Nature, or genetics, or nurture, or Astrology. From the plethora of questions at the beginning of our quest, we now have only two questions for our brother.
Our initial subjective conclusion that we were a twin was reached from analyzing various facts, including our behavior. The reasons for these various behaviors can also find support in astrology, through studying our natal chart. We studied Astrology before we stumbled upon the theory of being a twin. Our Mars in Libra explains why our relationships are unstable, yet being an identical twin not being able to naturally bond would also clarify our poor relationships, as the primal relationship was never established; there was no external support, everything was self centered, in other words, introverted. Our rising sign is on the cusp of Virgo, which explains why we can be both critical and supportive of people , yet always have a fondness for animals. Our inability to remember personal names was attributed to our dislike of people, yet even those we do like, we would often forget their names. The use of nicknames compensates for our for our inability to remember names. Fortunately, this strange characteristic was explained by our chart: our Moon is in Aquarius. At one time, we were satisfied that our issues and challenges could be explained through the applied science of Astrology. However, on this point, we are no longer certain, although natal charts do provide insights for specific tendencies.
The paradox among our not wanting to be alone or abandoned, our dislike of being touched, and our near revulsion of being demonstrative in our youth will not be lost on the Gentle Researcher. We do not want to be alone, yet. we do not want to date; we fear abandonment, yet. we cannot make any personal commitment. The terror when Donnie states ‘I don’t wanna be alone.’ is palpable. Pragmatically speaking, we are stuck: if we take any action towards dating, then we fear a breakup and being abandoned; if we maintain the status quo, then we remain alone. ‘If you move I strike, and if you do not move I strike.’
Except for possibly two Pisces and a Cancer Gemini of the High School cohort [2016-2020], the individual Apprentices have accumulated more time in personal relationships by their graduation than Yours Truly had in the preceding four decades. In our own way, we have always understood the high schoolers. As adults age, most tend to forget the angst of being a teenager, the in-between time of not being a child and not being an adult, a social and psychological no man’s land, and the associated issues of this difficult time. Along with our practice of Astrology, we suggest that our rapport with our teenage subordinates in food service was due in no small part to our easy recollection of the difficulties of navigating high school, that is, generally speaking, I could relate to the high schoolers as easily as their peers and better than their parents, coaches, or teachers. In conclusion to this part, I understand the environment of the high schoolers better than I understand the milieu of adults who are in serious relationships or who have spouses, children, and grandchildren.
The paradox of our indifference to opinions and our seeking of quality time with associates and acquaintances should not be lost on the Gentle Reader. Long age we recognized the correlation between engaging with certain people [Libras, generally, and Apprentice Sarah Louise, specifically] and the resulting productivity, whether in writing, composing, researching, or painting. It seems that our engaging in the practice of ‘hanging out’ was a mean to two ends: firstly, to not be alone and, secondly, to find inspiration for our work.
We oftentimes view ourselves as a scientist, a great Occultist who, by the power of the mind alone, has touched upon certain concealed truths and obscure mysteries. At times, we believe we are a doctor, teaching various insights to those who will listen and can appreciate our discernment. We do not apologize when we speak differently to separate audiences, as ‘knowledge has no obligation to ignorance’. The reality, of course, is much different. We have remained in Terre Haute, a town that in good years remains stagnant; always descending, but never touching bottom. We stay, because there is no place to go. As Apprentice Osif observed, the whole world is Terre Haute.
We readily acknowledge that we have ‘manic’ episodes, since we can not give all the credit for our insights to ‘Beaky’, and the inevitable slide into depression. However, we always associated our depression with the thought that we should not be where we are; that we should be somewhere else and doing more important, more extraordinary, and less mundane, things. We could have not know then that our depression is the result of our being and our depression does not exist as a byproduct of our failing either academically at a world class university or in the world at large. ‘I have since come to understand that’ I had no valid reason to pursue a career in biochemistry or any of the natural sciences. Of course, we do not recall anyone suggesting that there were other career choices more suited to our linguistic and philological interests, although the senior edition of our high school paper predicted Yours Truly being a televangelist. Our distrust of opinions has a long history based in gross misunderstandings and is not without reason.
We have frequently mentioned our habit of vicarious living. As Apprentice RJ observed: Yours Truly asks ‘so many questions as to swim in the lives of the Apprentices.’ To be clear: I do not care about their personal lives per se, but I am concerned about their progress as human beings, generally, and their careers, specifically. We now know that our vicarious living is indicative of our feeling of emptiness. Our exhilaration in making discoveries and previously unknown connections may be comparable to others who are happy or content. We doubt that we have experienced joy, but we are always pleased to see certain people, those who we have an interest in, enjoying their achievements, even though we can not fully understand or appreciate the experience, e.g., former and future Apprentice Brock playing high school football, Jack Daily on his acceptance to West Point, and certain Apprentices in basic training. Our pace of finished writings for the last two years has dropped dramatically, while our unfinished works have increased proportionally. At this point in time, we must conclude that we are no longer motivated to research and record our work.
We now know that our ‘aggressive behavior’ stems from an ‘increased detachment from reality’ and our ‘inability to cope with the forces in the world’. Early in our studies of the early Church, we stumbled upon Gnosticism and although Gnosticism satisfactorily explains both the bizarre behavior of the Lord God of the Old Testament and the contrast with the Father in with New Testament. We cannot believe that archons exist and if they did, then it is doubtful they would not find our human experience interesting and thereby negatively influence our lives by material enticements and physical pleasures to insure our captivity in the material world Therefore, our anger is not directed at some supposed Demiurge who oversees the cosmos and chooses his favorite humans, but is aimed at those mindless NPC who we have encountered throughout our lives. Our bittern criticism extends to those individuals who allegedly know more about me than I know about myself. ‘Father’ Daniel Rohan is righly included in this group along with all those who act upon their priestly instincts, their alleged moral superiority and supposed spiritual insights notwithstanding, who place themselves in the midst of personal affairs, drawn like sailor to a Siren, that are not of any concern to them. Who do they think they are to interfere in people’s lives? Like so many others, they are absent during long periods of personal struggle, but when the situation develops into a crisis or an opportunity, they wring their hands, offer empty lectures on topics they know not, and let the accused ‘know that’ they ‘know best 'cause after all,’ they ‘do know best.’
It is a personal failing as a Capricorn that we do not relish our natural role as a scapegoat. We have no issue when we are the cause for some result, for we do not deny reality, yet, when false accusations are flung at us, as they so often are, we become justifiably indignant. From long and painful experience, we have learned not to accuse others, but to ask questions. Those individuals who are eager to accuse do so for ‘moral’ reasons, that is, they erroneously believe they have the moral high ground. We cannot hope to permanently defeat these degenerates, as they appear like Hydra’s heads denying reality, making accusations, and positioning themselves as beacons of morality. They cannot be beaten for their values are as plastic as their intellect is vapid.
We are expected to turn to family and friends for support.
What family? Will we ever be supported by family who takes their cue from the state of Indiana and treats us as second class citizens? The answer, Gentle Reader, is ‘No.’ Statistically speaking, as a subject in a poorly overseen social experiment, we were never going to experience anything but abandonment and anxiety.
What friends? When one cannot trust family, it is highly unlikely that one would trust ‘friends’ and without trust, there is no possibility of support. Therefore, for the most part, we have been reliant upon ourselves, on our own limited knowledge and experiences. By reason of of lack of experience and worldly knowledge, we are in an unceasing whirlpool of abandonment and trust issues with the accompanying unending anxiety and depression. It is not surprising that graduates of the foster care system experience post traumatic stress syndrome at rates multiple times higher than military veterans. For adults of the foster system, the stresses of the various conflicts, personal, interpersonal, and social, is ever present: there is no relief. We fully appreciate that so many graduates turn to illicit drugs and alcohol: to self-medicate or to make their miserable existence somewhat bearable.
3
A conversation on May 29, 2021 with Bill Stroud offered an insight on the support systems. Bill said family and friends are for emotional support. I never considered that possibility and in light of what has transpired, the suggestion that I’ll find emotional support is laughable. Dad leaving the same message on the answering machine saying our grandmothers had died. It is not necessary to describe the shock of hearing this. After some time of being in the dark, I asked dad the situation about mom. He said she had three months to live, so that would be around Labor Day. What dad didn’t mention was that the prognosis was from three months previous. Less than a week later, I’m at the gravesite muttering to myself that I should know the symbolism of the rose, but I can’t think of what it is.
In 2003, dad called to say that Aunt Gerry passed and the funeral was in two days. I think the family was surprised when I made it to Jeffersonville on such short notice.
In 2008, I celebrated Saint George like any other year- I had went out and enjoyed some adult beverages. I arrived home in the early hours of Thursday April 24 to find a message on the answering machine. The family was surprised I did not show up for Aunt Ginny’s visitation and so, no doubt due to the insights of the two college graduates, they decided that I didn’t know she had passed on Saturday. Virginia Woodard was Christian, and not in name only, who brought no disparagement to the term, as she lived the Gospel through her faith and her works. At no time can I recall her saying anything bad or mischievous or ‘off color’ or slighting anyone. The same cannot be said of the ‘pastor’ who presided over the service- the issue du jour was same sex marriage. The ‘service’ was one of contrasts- between a long life well led and one, full of resentment, who had few positive remarks to say to the audience. As always, wisdom is justified by her children. Apprentice Moses responded that the support of friends and family is ‘emotional, physical, economical’; ‘really all aspects’ and ‘to be specific it depends on the context’. Therefore, ‘support’, in the technical jargon of modern psychiatry, is ambiguous.
Shaw McCrocklin left a voicemail on my phone stating that he read dad’s obituary. I called the college educated cousins and one said that they couldn’t contact me because [fill in sham statements and poor reasoning skills here], although I had social media accounts. Apprentice Thomas was kind enough to drive me to the Walnut Grove cemetery to see the gravesite, missing the service by several hours. For the sake of completeness, I was omitted from Aunt Mil’s obituary [2013] and Uncle Dan’s obituary [2018]. In the immortal words of Apprentice Joe, ‘Moving on...’.
In 2003, dad called to say that Aunt Gerry passed and the funeral was in two days. I think the family was surprised when I made it to Jeffersonville on such short notice.
In 2008, I celebrated Saint George like any other year- I had went out and enjoyed some adult beverages. I arrived home in the early hours of Thursday April 24 to find a message on the answering machine. The family was surprised I did not show up for Aunt Ginny’s visitation and so, no doubt due to the insights of the two college graduates, they decided that I didn’t know she had passed on Saturday. Virginia Woodard was Christian, and not in name only, who brought no disparagement to the term, as she lived the Gospel through her faith and her works. At no time can I recall her saying anything bad or mischievous or ‘off color’ or slighting anyone. The same cannot be said of the ‘pastor’ who presided over the service- the issue du jour was same sex marriage. The ‘service’ was one of contrasts- between a long life well led and one, full of resentment, who had few positive remarks to say to the audience. As always, wisdom is justified by her children. Apprentice Moses responded that the support of friends and family is ‘emotional, physical, economical’; ‘really all aspects’ and ‘to be specific it depends on the context’. Therefore, ‘support’, in the technical jargon of modern psychiatry, is ambiguous.
Shaw McCrocklin left a voicemail on my phone stating that he read dad’s obituary. I called the college educated cousins and one said that they couldn’t contact me because [fill in sham statements and poor reasoning skills here], although I had social media accounts. Apprentice Thomas was kind enough to drive me to the Walnut Grove cemetery to see the gravesite, missing the service by several hours. For the sake of completeness, I was omitted from Aunt Mil’s obituary [2013] and Uncle Dan’s obituary [2018]. In the immortal words of Apprentice Joe, ‘Moving on...’.
In ‘Mozart: the Man, the Musician’, Mozart is quoted writing to his father: ‘As death, when we come to consider it closely, is the true goal of our existence, I have formed during the last few years such close relationships with this best and truest friend of mankind that death's image is not only no longer terrifying to me, but is indeed very soothing and consoling.’ The text is ambiguous, as Mozart could be writing as an accomplished musician, a son, or a Freemason.
Our anger is brought on by our frustration and typically this frustration is due to an encounter where reasoning or thinking skills are absent and the threat of fear and/or guilt is in abundance. I don’t recall my young age when a female parishioner at the Saint George Social Center wanted me to hold a baby and I refused. Regardless of my explicit statement, she gave the child to me and then berated me for not holding it correctly, as though children should have knowledge regarding child care [We have learned that one must hold the neck up]. Once again, I endured being a scapegoat. The Gentle Reader may readily understand from this example regarding my general feeling towards the congregation of Saint George. At least once a week, the family would trek to Terre Haute to Saint George to see people I didn’t know from any activity besides church, to hear large sections of the liturgy would be in Arabic, which was never explained, and to endure ‘ethnic’ food which was, in a word, foreign. At least the Little Italy Festival offers food that was familiar.
The anxiety and stress of attending Saint George cannot be overstated. I didn’t go to public school with my Sunday School classmates, so the whole experience was very difficult and repeated weekly for years. Perhaps, the worst aspect was being an altar ‘boy’. I stopped being an altar ‘boy’ was when I quit church at age 18. The lack of interest to become an altar ‘boy’ should have been indication to the church at large that something was wrong, that is, when there were not enough ‘boys’ to be guilted into serving and adults had to pressed into service. It was highly probable that I would have stop attending church, even without the infernal machinations of ‘Father’ Daniel Rohan. I didn’t know the people and, on the surface, attendance seemed pointless, for it served no purpose. It seems that the constituents had one of ten Christian names and one of five surnames and, to increase my confusion and frustration of attempting to remember who was who, it seemed that most, if not all of the Syrian families, were related through through marriage. A modern Hauten version of the Hapsburgs. I didn’t fit in ethnically or socially. Uncharacteristically for a Sagittarius, I become cynical along with my natural skepticism. I learned the basics of the faith, but it would be many years later when I learned the meanings of the letters on the icons [MP, IC XC] and discovered theosis and toll houses. It would have been helpful if the Greek, along with the Arabic, would have been explained. Either the Orthodox Church teaches obscurely or what it teaches is obscure.
The break with the church was inevitable.
The modern support systems of friends and family possibly implies the church, a likely nexus for both. Yet, how could one trust or believe that the church has one’s best interests. Once again, an external agency knows me better than I know myself.
The incident of me becoming a Christian is correctly understood as an accident -’an unfortunate incident that happens ... unintentionally, typically resulting in damage’ or ‘an event that happens by chance’. I did not want to be a Christian; it was done to me without my consent or understanding. From this chrismation, the Orthodox Church will always be able to claim me as a member, just as I will always be a Hoosier. Whereas, I have no negative feeling about being an accidental citizen of Indiana, I cannot say the same of the Orthodox Church. I left the church because of the intentionally inflicted pain and suffering and there are no supposed merits or sham justifications that I would be willing to entertain to suggest this behavior is acceptable. Let there be no misunderstanding: my accomplishments are not the result of the selfish interests of the Orthodox Church and it cannot claim any advantage from my efforts and exertions for itself. I am not in good standing with the Orthdox Church, otherwise said, it’s not ‘the end of the world as we know it and I feel fine.’
The Gentle Reader can understand that by the time of entering University that I was not emotionally ready for the challenges nor psychologically prepared. [Once could successfully argue that I was not academically prepared. For unknown reasons, I was behind my peers, as I was unable take trigonometry or calculus. Being set up for failure? Those damned interfering archons....] I was deeply depressed during my time at Purdue. Once again, there were no friends or family, those purported twin pillars of support. I was lost and confused, unlike high school, where I was only confused. My life was geared towards college and my self identity was shaken. I have not recovered from that unnamed traumatic event in the summer between my junior and senior years.
I was told that all of my academic failures was my fault, yet no one offered praise when I did well in high school. I suppose exceptional grades were assumed, although my Iowa Test scores were not ‘intimidating’. In retrospect, my life was such a waste: the untold man hours expended by hundreds of people through many decades and undetermined dollars squandered for me to reach- nothing. Under these facts, it is understandably that I flirt with nihilism.
Since high school, I’ve struggled to find a niche. The only serious attempt was at the beginning of the century when I went to a Mensa meeting. I was not impressed by the meeting, nor was I flattered by the excessive attention from the Rose Poly professor [a Scorpio] and his wife. My intention was to find like minded individuals whose interests extended beyond what I do for employment and my salary, not to be a high IQ ‘lucky Pierre’.
Since I’ve never recovered my self identity or self worth, I feel fortunate to have accomplished what I have, that is, over 800 pages on my website.
My ire is toward those who say this situation is my fault, my responsibly. Yet, the trajectory I was put on was not my doing. And when I react rationally or when I react emotionally, I am either labeled ‘cold and calculating’ [by people who don’t know me] or mentally unstable. So, regardless of how I react, it is always wrong, or so I’m told. The only conclusion is that to avoid these opinions and condemnations is to not exist, or to not exist in society. The self righteous behavior of the church, the state, and the mob is incredible. The church, that is to say, Saint George Church through the efforts of ‘Father’ George Rados, and the state literally put me in this position and when I react to people, or the mob, I am characterized and labeled as being in the wrong. No correct behavior exists under these circumstance. I’m tired of always being wrong. I’m tried of being marginalized.
From an early age, when I blacked out from having my blood drawn, I’ve been hemophobic. I know someone who used ‘cutting’ as a coping mechanism before we met. The first time I saw the four small parallel scars I was horrified, for I knew that this person who I’ve come close to, had a difficult past who thought self inflicted physical pain was a panacea. The horror was twofold. Firstly, I could never do that to myself, blood pouring out, and, secondly, this person did it intentionally. Even before this revelation, I was emotionally supportive, as our subject is a water sign who possesses the highest virtues I value.
We now understand that the feeling of emptiness is not a universal feature of humanity. This fact explains, in no small degree, how people can go through the expected daily routines.
‘I’m being penalized BY the Church for having a crisis of faith the Church CAUSED in the first place. Well pardon my saying so, but fuck that.’
I’ve read Mr. Skojec’s blogs for many years and he is a wordsmith of the highest order. When I read that sentence, I audibly gasped and paused to reflect. I thought that Skojec would never resolve the cognitive dissonance among being a thoughtful Roman Catholic, supporting the innovations of validity elected Pope Francis, and justifying the decrees of the second Vatican Council. Skojec and Yours Truly are on the same road, but at different times in our lives- We’re ‘[t]aking the road that leads to equality with God.’
‘Which brings us at last to the moment of truth, wherein the fundamental flaw is ultimately expressed and the anomaly revealed as both beginning and end.’
Gentle Researcher, when one acknowledges that the ‘churches’ and their impotent priests and sick pastors have only two weapons in their arsenal, guilt and fear, then one can easily look down upon them and their childish efforts with justified smugness. Only by confronting them and saying ‘No, no more.’, can their power be vanquished and is seen for what it was: an illusion caused by deference to their supposed exalted position.
‘The lies will one day vanish and above them truth will once again triumph. It will be the moment when we stand above everything...’
We are uncertain as the reasons why we were diagnosed with bipolar when abandonment, whether real or imagined, is a defining characteristic of borderline personality disorder.
Our two questions are:
‘
Our anger is brought on by our frustration and typically this frustration is due to an encounter where reasoning or thinking skills are absent and the threat of fear and/or guilt is in abundance. I don’t recall my young age when a female parishioner at the Saint George Social Center wanted me to hold a baby and I refused. Regardless of my explicit statement, she gave the child to me and then berated me for not holding it correctly, as though children should have knowledge regarding child care [We have learned that one must hold the neck up]. Once again, I endured being a scapegoat. The Gentle Reader may readily understand from this example regarding my general feeling towards the congregation of Saint George. At least once a week, the family would trek to Terre Haute to Saint George to see people I didn’t know from any activity besides church, to hear large sections of the liturgy would be in Arabic, which was never explained, and to endure ‘ethnic’ food which was, in a word, foreign. At least the Little Italy Festival offers food that was familiar.
The anxiety and stress of attending Saint George cannot be overstated. I didn’t go to public school with my Sunday School classmates, so the whole experience was very difficult and repeated weekly for years. Perhaps, the worst aspect was being an altar ‘boy’. I stopped being an altar ‘boy’ was when I quit church at age 18. The lack of interest to become an altar ‘boy’ should have been indication to the church at large that something was wrong, that is, when there were not enough ‘boys’ to be guilted into serving and adults had to pressed into service. It was highly probable that I would have stop attending church, even without the infernal machinations of ‘Father’ Daniel Rohan. I didn’t know the people and, on the surface, attendance seemed pointless, for it served no purpose. It seems that the constituents had one of ten Christian names and one of five surnames and, to increase my confusion and frustration of attempting to remember who was who, it seemed that most, if not all of the Syrian families, were related through through marriage. A modern Hauten version of the Hapsburgs. I didn’t fit in ethnically or socially. Uncharacteristically for a Sagittarius, I become cynical along with my natural skepticism. I learned the basics of the faith, but it would be many years later when I learned the meanings of the letters on the icons [MP, IC XC] and discovered theosis and toll houses. It would have been helpful if the Greek, along with the Arabic, would have been explained. Either the Orthodox Church teaches obscurely or what it teaches is obscure.
The break with the church was inevitable.
The modern support systems of friends and family possibly implies the church, a likely nexus for both. Yet, how could one trust or believe that the church has one’s best interests. Once again, an external agency knows me better than I know myself.
The incident of me becoming a Christian is correctly understood as an accident -’an unfortunate incident that happens ... unintentionally, typically resulting in damage’ or ‘an event that happens by chance’. I did not want to be a Christian; it was done to me without my consent or understanding. From this chrismation, the Orthodox Church will always be able to claim me as a member, just as I will always be a Hoosier. Whereas, I have no negative feeling about being an accidental citizen of Indiana, I cannot say the same of the Orthodox Church. I left the church because of the intentionally inflicted pain and suffering and there are no supposed merits or sham justifications that I would be willing to entertain to suggest this behavior is acceptable. Let there be no misunderstanding: my accomplishments are not the result of the selfish interests of the Orthodox Church and it cannot claim any advantage from my efforts and exertions for itself. I am not in good standing with the Orthdox Church, otherwise said, it’s not ‘the end of the world as we know it and I feel fine.’
The Gentle Reader can understand that by the time of entering University that I was not emotionally ready for the challenges nor psychologically prepared. [Once could successfully argue that I was not academically prepared. For unknown reasons, I was behind my peers, as I was unable take trigonometry or calculus. Being set up for failure? Those damned interfering archons....] I was deeply depressed during my time at Purdue. Once again, there were no friends or family, those purported twin pillars of support. I was lost and confused, unlike high school, where I was only confused. My life was geared towards college and my self identity was shaken. I have not recovered from that unnamed traumatic event in the summer between my junior and senior years.
I was told that all of my academic failures was my fault, yet no one offered praise when I did well in high school. I suppose exceptional grades were assumed, although my Iowa Test scores were not ‘intimidating’. In retrospect, my life was such a waste: the untold man hours expended by hundreds of people through many decades and undetermined dollars squandered for me to reach- nothing. Under these facts, it is understandably that I flirt with nihilism.
Since high school, I’ve struggled to find a niche. The only serious attempt was at the beginning of the century when I went to a Mensa meeting. I was not impressed by the meeting, nor was I flattered by the excessive attention from the Rose Poly professor [a Scorpio] and his wife. My intention was to find like minded individuals whose interests extended beyond what I do for employment and my salary, not to be a high IQ ‘lucky Pierre’.
Since I’ve never recovered my self identity or self worth, I feel fortunate to have accomplished what I have, that is, over 800 pages on my website.
My ire is toward those who say this situation is my fault, my responsibly. Yet, the trajectory I was put on was not my doing. And when I react rationally or when I react emotionally, I am either labeled ‘cold and calculating’ [by people who don’t know me] or mentally unstable. So, regardless of how I react, it is always wrong, or so I’m told. The only conclusion is that to avoid these opinions and condemnations is to not exist, or to not exist in society. The self righteous behavior of the church, the state, and the mob is incredible. The church, that is to say, Saint George Church through the efforts of ‘Father’ George Rados, and the state literally put me in this position and when I react to people, or the mob, I am characterized and labeled as being in the wrong. No correct behavior exists under these circumstance. I’m tired of always being wrong. I’m tried of being marginalized.
From an early age, when I blacked out from having my blood drawn, I’ve been hemophobic. I know someone who used ‘cutting’ as a coping mechanism before we met. The first time I saw the four small parallel scars I was horrified, for I knew that this person who I’ve come close to, had a difficult past who thought self inflicted physical pain was a panacea. The horror was twofold. Firstly, I could never do that to myself, blood pouring out, and, secondly, this person did it intentionally. Even before this revelation, I was emotionally supportive, as our subject is a water sign who possesses the highest virtues I value.
We now understand that the feeling of emptiness is not a universal feature of humanity. This fact explains, in no small degree, how people can go through the expected daily routines.
‘I’m being penalized BY the Church for having a crisis of faith the Church CAUSED in the first place. Well pardon my saying so, but fuck that.’
I’ve read Mr. Skojec’s blogs for many years and he is a wordsmith of the highest order. When I read that sentence, I audibly gasped and paused to reflect. I thought that Skojec would never resolve the cognitive dissonance among being a thoughtful Roman Catholic, supporting the innovations of validity elected Pope Francis, and justifying the decrees of the second Vatican Council. Skojec and Yours Truly are on the same road, but at different times in our lives- We’re ‘[t]aking the road that leads to equality with God.’
‘Which brings us at last to the moment of truth, wherein the fundamental flaw is ultimately expressed and the anomaly revealed as both beginning and end.’
Gentle Researcher, when one acknowledges that the ‘churches’ and their impotent priests and sick pastors have only two weapons in their arsenal, guilt and fear, then one can easily look down upon them and their childish efforts with justified smugness. Only by confronting them and saying ‘No, no more.’, can their power be vanquished and is seen for what it was: an illusion caused by deference to their supposed exalted position.
‘The lies will one day vanish and above them truth will once again triumph. It will be the moment when we stand above everything...’
We are uncertain as the reasons why we were diagnosed with bipolar when abandonment, whether real or imagined, is a defining characteristic of borderline personality disorder.
Our two questions are:
‘
Did you suspect you were a twin?
Now what do we do?
Now what do we do?
Sic Luceat Lux
Therefore, in this manner, let the light shine
Cum superium privilegio veniaque
Therefore, in this manner, let the light shine
Cum superium privilegio veniaque
Fortuna non omnibus aeque
Fate is not the same for all |
Nunc scio tenebris lux
Now I know the light comes from the shadows |