The Church, the State, and the Mob:
Personal Reflections
G.D.O'Bradovich III
April 22, 2020
Our personal reflection on the church, the state, and the mob: “I’ve been buggered.” Similar to Apprentice RJ’s inquiry if we read the entire Bible and that reasonable inquiry was answered by a single word response -“No.”- and our fuller explanation on the current topic is more than a pseudo-Anglicanism.
The near universal response filled with indignation is “To provide for a better life.” Yet, we must ask: “By what standard?” and therein we find the issue: there is no definition of “a better life”. We note the members of the “pro life” movement where success, we presume, is the elimination of induced abortions. Of course, natural abortions continue unabated at high rates and the opinion that there is a “right to life” is put to shame, shown to be a sham from a specious perspective. However, what do these members say of the infants and children and young adults who were “rescued”? Do they limit government funds for subsided food, shelter, and healthcare in the name of fiscal responsibility? As the “pro life” movement has a singular myopic goal, they have no overarching plan for the fulfillment of their mission, other than legislation and intimidation, not necessarily in that order. We may say that the more victories they achieve, the more dysfunctional society becomes as more people have inadequate food, shelter, education, and, finally, the modern standard of the second rate psychologist: support systems in the forms of friends and family. In conclusion to this part, we wonder if, as a society approaches its optimum, the needs for both second rate psychologists and support systems almost disappear.
The vast majority of humanity lives, has lived, and will always live under less than optimal conditions and many, through struggle, overcome these challenges, both those known to us, personally and known from historical accounts, and finally, the vast majority, the unknown and never to be known. Likewise, over the previous several years, we have been extraordinarily productive which we attribute as the result of our manner of coping with the unimaginable. We can state that the large scale social experiment may have success stories, but “stranger care”, by any objective standard, is a failure, yet it continues unabated. “Stranger care” is resilient precisely because of the state, the mob, and the church: people, the primary component of all three, never change.
If stranger care is successful, if it does meet undefined goals [“undefined goals” is the verbal garbage and mainstay of our three protagonists], then we point to the ordinary care by ordinary individuals as the reason for any “success” and such success is not laudable, but human, otherwise said- ordinary, all too ordinary. But stranger care, similar to mandatory public education, has no place for the exceptional. From our observations, home schooling is a case, in the words of the Master, of the blind leading the blind. The mob, the state, and the church consist of the mediocre and they distrust those not like themselves.
For the church, state, and mob to fail at “stranger care” is not a defect of any of the three, where “fail” is correctly understood as “abysmal failure”. We ask: How could they not fail, when their motivation consists of nothing but “good intentions”? Success or failure are not considerations in “stranger care”, but whether the intention is good. The Gentle Reader knows our opinion on the plastic words of “good” and “bad”. The mob, state, and church cannot have objective standards, lest they confront the unimaginable. Should objective standards of success be implemented, the scarcely imagined world of cognitive dissonance would duly present itself as the constituents would be confronted with their personal mediocrity. As it is now, the mob can state that the government and church are ran by greedy bastards and by incompetents and by know nothings. The vulgar do not understand that church and state cannot long endure if not for the constant support of the masses. The inability to accept accountability is another trait of the majority, for surely they know more about any topic. If the Gentle Researcher has doubts concerning this, then simply ask people, as they will be happy to enlighten the listener with their erudite opinions from Abyssinian poetry to the condition of restrooms in the textile industry and everything in between. They do not understand that they elect the officials, who vary from greedy to incompetent, and ministers, who range from being a know-it-all to incapable. Man may be a political animal, but not as the term is generally understood. As Pogo said, “We have met the enemy and he is us.”
“Fear and Guilt as Motivation” was a business advise book that I often promoted and quoted from during my excursion at Columbia House. That we never got around to writing it should not be held against Yours Truly. This corporate joint venture was the largest mail order company in the world with a track record second to none. In my first week, the telephone greeting was changed three times and, needless to say, my opinion of the company began its descent. If there were veiled or unambiguous comments and statements from management, then one could say there might be a communications breakdown, but no. Management utilized the fear of losing one’s employment and guilt that one could do better to “motivate” the staff. Needless to say that when I became a “fast food” manager, I did not resort to these tactics, but was, generally speaking, a rational employee and manager. I did my best to treat my subordinates as individuals and to not show favoritism. These valuable lessons were carried on to the Wonderful World of Occult Research with the Apprentices.
Of our three subjects, the church is the most obvious operator using fear and guilt as motivation. As a whole, this speaks volumes about people who attend these churches. The Gentle Reader may find a parallel being the rise of issues of “self esteem” and the spread of fundamentalist theology in the later half of the twentieth century. The fear of sin, whether actual or imagined; the fear of Hell, whether of the believer or of the unbeliever; the fear of not doing enough to insure the salvation of the unsaved. The guilt of the past, present guilt, and definitively the inevitable future guilt of sinning or not avoiding sin is enough to cause neuroses; not only among believers.
[We digress when we suggest that fear and guilt may, and we stress may in rare or exceptional cases, be a motivating factor for children who are not reasonable, that is, who lack reason and only operate emotionally. If guilt and fear are utilized, they need to be discontinued at the earliest possible time, lest the children become emotionally and intellectually stunted adults.]
From the previous two paragraphs, the Gentle Researcher may synthesize and surmise that the pews are filled with emotionally and intellectually stunted adults, led by emotionally and intellectually stunted ministers who seek to find emotionally and intellectually stunted nonbelievers to join their congregation. As P.T. Barnum said: “This way to the egress.” In conclusion to this part, the guilt of not being “good” and not receiving presents from Santa on Christmas is different in degrees, not kinds, from being bad and not receiving Heavenly Bliss from God on Judgment Day. We state that fundamentalists are the most egregious regarding salvation as faith alone and then, after salvation, requiring good works. In the legal profession this would be described as a “bait and switch”, where liberty in Christ is sought, but the Law is received instead. If money were involved, then this would be simony, in the church, or fraud, in business. Children can be forgiven, for why would rational people deceive the innocent about Santa Clause? However, adults should know from personal experience what evil lurks in the hearts of men and should be cautious about extraordinary religious claims with no evidence that only offer emotional satisfaction, such as getting that pony for Christmas. As Saint Paul wrote, when I was child I acted like a child, but I’ve grown up and put away childish things. Some people, Gentle Reader, grow old, but do not grow up.
One can easily find fear and guilt in socialist, Fascist, and Communist regimes, as well as absolute monarchies. According to Leo Strauss, the purpose of the city is to severely reduce or eliminate, if possible, the incidents of violent death. The aforementioned governments exploit man’s only natural terror. Whatever else may be said about these regimes, it seems that the intended populace does not consist of mature human beings possessing and applying rational though to the world. The Gentle Researcher may conclude that leaders of these governments are emotionally and intellectually stunted adults, as their motivation is not the welfare of others, but the liberal use of fear and guilt. We think our point has been made, however, these regimes should be compared to the American Union, where the recently discovered Natural Rights of man were the motivating factor for a new government. Either one is an advocate of fear and guilt, or an adherent of reason and the rational; either man has Natural Rights, or he is an expendable member of society.
People will not hesitate to use fear and guilt to insure conformity. Yet, what are the masses to do when individuals are rational and not intimidated by either fear or guilt? The answer is Socrates, wherein the will of the majority influences the minority who are judges, representing both the government and the Platonic idea of justice, who pass death sentences. Socrates did not suffer a violent death, as writing fiction is difficult enough without the added strain of a convincing final struggle and death scene that would be incongruous with the other Socratic dialogues, at best, and unbelievable, at worst.
*** April 8, 2020 7:23pm
We cannot tell if it is by accident or design that at birth humans are completely dependent and take from the world. By a certain point in time, adult humans begin to give back to the world, although the “giving” varies to by the abilities of any given subject. We dare not speculate on the motives thereof, but it a true observation for mature adults. We suppose that people give up their childish ways.
For aware human beings, there comes a time when the receiving does not seem equitable to the giving, and our concern regarding this matter has been ongoing for many years. We have expressed our gratitude in person, in essays, and through musical dedications. Yet, someone with so much energy and curiosity should be giving; not taking; and this inversion seems like a gross violation of the natural order. We did not despair for long and we went about our work, but we are tired by the relentlessness of various concerns, both physiological and psychological, that are more personal and temporal than professional and enduring. While we rationalize that we have given more than receive, this viewpoint is entirely based on how our works in toto are valued. It is clear that their current value approaches zero, but it is our hope that guides us that to declare that their future value will be accurately appraised in the fullness of time. As we to do not write to the majority, but write to young men who like to think, the value cannot be comprehended by the vast multitude of potential readers; such is the nature of our efforts and research.
***7:38pm
Our long ago professional diagnosis of depression might, we suggest, be might accurately display the symptoms of anxiety. We were skeptical of psychologists until we understood their methods were simply based on a large sample of people. Then, we learned there were no moral standards in modern psychology, as the behavior of the majority determine what is acceptable, and we become judgmental, all too judgmental of this modern science. And if we have suffered from anxiety for several decades, then it is only through the penultimate will to power that we’ve accomplished anything. Fortunately, our anxiety has been limited to family, friends, strangers, employment, and education. We doubt that “depression” is the reason for our avoidance of activities in high school such as dances, sports, theater, band, newspaper and yearbook, and socializing outside of school, all activities we would later enjoy, to various degrees of participation. There is no anxiety being alone: reading, thinking, writing, and painting, for if we were depressed in high school, then we suggest that we could not have engaged in these activities.
It is now clear that the parents did not think it was odd that I did not engage with many people [only a select handful, and this fact could be explained by the Capricorns’ desire for quality, not quantity], crowds, or extracurricular activities, for if they did have such thoughts, then it was not brought to my attention, to the best of my recollection, and I did not attend any therapy sessions. Presuming both that the behaviors of people are constant over time and that assuming certain parallels between the cohort of “Highschoolers”, then it is a certainty that my mostly rural peers partied as much, if not more, than the urban “Highschoolers”. However, I do not recall any discussion of parties and I did not receive any invitations, [one Friday night of drinking with Keith [a Libra and an underclassman who would later furnish beverages for one weekend at Purdue during my first semester] being the exception of my “partying” experience in high school.] We conclude that neither the parents nor my peers, or my teachers, for that matter, thought it odd that we were on the margins of high school society, as there were no interventions, as we say today.
I become the only senior out of five basketball managers after Mr. Walsh asked me repeatedly and later assured me that I would do little, as there were four underclassmen. At that time, I neither consistently watched sporting events nor ever played basketball, other than the physical education requirement for graduation. It is ironic that I knew so little about the game and, as we now know, ignorance is not a hindrance to a successful career in management. From the “Highschoolers” I have learned how to navigate high school. Clearly, we now know there was something amiss regarding my behavior in high school and, as I’m always the last to know, then my contemporaries certainly knew something was not quit right. They certainly knew it, since they had a much larger sample size, that is, their combined experiences with their own friends and family, than I did. Of course, we did not realize anything was a bit off, since we only had our limited experiences as our baseline. If they concluded I was an introvert, then I must confess that I was the only one they knew, which is highly unlikely.
Furthermore, if the diagnosis of depression were correct, then we suggest that the many years of various and oftentimes high levels of anxiety was the reason for our dissolution into depression. Of course, the realization that we were not depressed was part of our recovery, for through long and painful experience, anti-depression medications eliminate the creative aspect and we could not endure that prospect. By the time we realized that anti-anxiety medications would help, we were no longer in a position to afford such luxuries. Therefore, we did the best we could with our understanding as various situations presented themselves. Did we falter? Yes. Yes, we did when judged in hindsight by the results and not our reasonable course of action. “We’re only human after all.”
***
While fear and guilt are great motivators for future actions, we rarely experience either one. We limit fear by our long practice of thinking rationally and we rarely act without sufficient thought, so we almost never feel guilt for our actions, no matter how horrible. The horror of certain actions that are thoroughly thought out will be left for the Gentle Researcher to ponder. On the occasions when we do falter, our inner monologues say “I’m only human after all.” and after acknowledging the veracity of the statement, we respond, “Yes, I’m only human.”; sometimes we finish the lyric: “and born to make mistakes.” However, we do experience regret, both of doing and not doing, the nagging thought of what if we did something different, the results would be different. In one case, the result would remain, but I would feel better, then and to this day.
If we have difficulties with relationships, then this non experience, which I intentionally avoided with the express purpose of limiting my personal pain and suffering, is perhaps the reason for our emotional distance from people and our notable lack of demonstrative affection. We now know that loyalty is not a character flaw and painfully aware that death comes to us all, yet we thought we could be disloyal and avoid the unimaginable, to deny both reality and our feelings, and I was wrong. Surprisingly, these regrets are not about major decisions or significant actions that had a large impact on our life, but the small things, or actions of little consequence that mostly only I know of, or in some cases, a few people, and wish I could change them.
I wish I could change them because those actions are not the finest examples of who I should have been, but who I was, sometimes decades ago. I regret that I was not the person that I have become; to know of and act on virtue, but I feel that I should have been the person I have become. We are aware that our personal growth is retarded when compared to our peers and we do not know if this retardation is me being me or me being a Capricorn. While regret is not a great motivator, it is a motivator to not make the same choices and to avoid certain outcomes and, thereby, limit any additional feelings of regret. It seems that fear and guilt, given enough time and experiences, recede into the shadows of our mind, never to impose themselves, unlike the feelings of regret, which only continue to accumulate. We have not completely overcome these regrets and still recall them, in all their pain, heartache, and anguish, at will.
***
Capricorns hate waste, as the fullness of utility presents efficiency and productivity and if we Capricorns are more productive and efficient than others, then we will be more successful. And success is the calling of all Capricorns.
[Proposed IQ for High School: 100-110]
IQ for a bachelors: 115
Proposed IQ for a Masters: 120
Median IQ for a Doctorate or terminal degree: 125
The vast majority of people with doctorates will fall between 120 and 130.
***April 9, 2020 1:04pm 5 hours 13 minutes to full charge
There is not much more to write and definitely not much more to do. The weather is continuously cold with steady winds.
“Checking out on the prison bus.” - Radioactive, Imagine Dragons
2:01 45 minutes
“Heaven ain’t close in a place like this.”
“The universe is not a strange place, it is stranger than we can imagine.”
***
6:38pm Monday April 20, 2020 in the Taco Bell shed.
I am exhausted mentally and physically. The editing of “Orthodxy” is slow going, even with the accordion feature. 2 of 13 sections done. “The beloved Disciple” is muddled and “My father works on the sabbath and so do I” is kinda rambling. I’m concerned that if I stop, then everything will fall apart.
I owe so much to so many that it is not possible to repay them all. As time goes on, the music arrangements and essays seem trite.
I feel that the hole that I’m is just inescapable. I catch myself thinking “What if?”, which I rarely of, more often than is either necessary or beneficial. I’m not really depressed, as I continue to work on the 3 essays, I’m just, I don’t know. Needing a rest? I haven’t been sleeping well, so maybe that is the issue. I’m no more stressed than normal, as though stress and anxiety should be the normal and not the exceptions to how one feels.
I’ve made the conscious decision to not contact the Highschoolers. Only a few keep in contact, and I know, and remember well, being in my teens and 20s so I do understand. My withdrawal from actively seeking the Apprentices is, no doubt, a major step. It’ll probably be best for all concerned if I just move on. I now know that, at one time, seeing them made me hopeful. Of course, due to my vicarious living, I confounded their hopeful future with mine. I no longer hold on to that feeling of hope for myself, but I do for the Highschooler.s They are a remarkable group, even if none were to be elevated to Apprentices.
If it difficult for me to show or express affection and gratitude, then I suppose that affection and gratitude are not viable aspects of vicarious living. I feel, even as a Capricorn, but I’m really not affectionate, except with kids, who do not know what evil and the irrational are, and pets, especially dogs.
“Every living creature dies alone.” -Roberta Sparrow
I should’ve been there, but I didn’t go for two days; I never went, I had the opportunity, I was in denial that the end was near and if I avoid it, it won’t happen. And after all these years, this possibility, this scenario still sneaks up on me and haunts me. “What else makes you feel regret?”, Dr. Thurman asked. “That I didn’t go.”, said Donnie.
I probably oughta forgive myself, acknowledge the facts and move on, but I can’t. There was the time before Monday, July 14, and then everything after that, the steady decline, not a decline really, but a surreal world, one that sorta looked and sorta felt like the previous one, but still different enough to be notice by me. Was I depressed? Was I in a type of shock, or a denial? I cannot say for certain. Perhaps the truth is that I am not either mentally equipped or prepared by adversity, and when challenges arise, I go into my own world.
My own world that gets smaller each passing year. It is, more or less, a comfortable world, with just my thoughts and memories, those quirky and amusing memories that are scattered through the years. The challenges seem insurmountable, which is silly, but still the way I feel about them. The challenges really happen when there is more than one crisis at a time. I don’t know how to approach the situations, so I just let things go, which, of course, makes everything worse, both short term and long term. Plato wrote that nothing pertaining to humanity is important. Sometimes, I agree & other times I don’t. Plato is the kind of author that you agree with initially, then after time, you question if you agreement is valid. Plato is kinda like Socrates, but Plato doesn’t ask 20 questions and made you feel stupid, just so Socrates can claim he doesn’t know anything and, therefore, can’t teach.
Metal and water. Strange. It doesn’t really bother me like it used to. I suppose it is because I don’t ever see things working for the best- “Just existing” is not living. I’m not designed to just “be”, I’ve gotta be doing things. I think I’ve done enough, and if I haven’t, then I don’t see how one or two more papers is gonna make a difference. The quality is not there as it was before, it is slipping and I can’t do much about it. A few more papers and then I’ll be done. I’ve got over 800 web pages, over everything that I like, or found interesting, or if it was just odd enough, bizarre enough. The arrangements, the paintings, the original compositions. Aren’t these enough? Have we always been hounded by that eternal thought: You haven’t done enough, you need to do more. Is this why we had a stroke in our 30’s? The incessant internal pressure to do more ‘cause we can do more, but we never have stopped to ask, “Should we do more?”
Recently, one of the Apprentices accused me of writing his introductory Apprentice paper, and by extension, that I’ve written all the Apprentices’ papers. I responded that all the papers have different styles, indicating different authors. I was still accused of doing their papers and I finally responded, to the effect, that you think I’m gonna take the time to imitate the speaking styles of the Apprentices, just so it can be thought that they wrote them? As if I’ve got time to recall conversations with the Apprentices in vivid detail, so I can mimic their syntax, vocabulary, and other quirks. “I swear…”
7:32pm in the shed.
***
April 22, 2020
5:31pm in the shed
The last three papers have been saved to the Wayback Machine. I didn’t think I’d be able to finish them, and even if they’re not ideal, the reader’ll understand the points. The next four days are scheduled for rain. Everything is done. It has been exhausting walking an hour to the Secret Garden to sleep and an hour back to Wabash everyday. Gabe bought my cola and chips, so I’m loaded up on carbs.
To say there is no hope is to imply that one knows all outcomes. The statement that “There is no hope” should be modified so that it is more specific, as hope guides us and is a quintessential human quality.
There are no reasonable circumstances that are foreseeable to get out the hole that I’ve found myself. Tomorrow is Saint George Day.
The hole not only consists of the heaviness of the situation, but the feeling that I owe so many so much and I can’t pay them back. It is a mental burden that should be assiduously avoided when circumstances permit. I believe that I’ve kept going for these many years is due almost exclusively to my will, my will to research and to create. Of course, there is the feeling of not to disappoint anyone. But, if truth be told, I’m more disappointing in myself than anyone else could be, for I alone know what could’ve been if things, external circumstances, were different.
5:48pm
I will not fall into nihilism and say that nothing matters, ‘cause I don’t think or feel that way. “I had to fall and loose it all...and in the end, nothing even matters.” Certain things matter, but not like they used to. The most important things now seem trivial. Every page has been saved to the WayBack Machine, because my life’s work does matter. It matters to me that my life will not seem like it was lived in vain. I can’t state that cosmos has a purpose or goal, ‘cause almost everything I’ve experienced, except for a few things, can properly be understood as accidents. There is change in the world, but to say that things [Nature and people] are improving or approaching a goal is not an accurate statement. Yet, I can’t help but wonder, in all that is in the world, is there not the possibility of an ultimate goal, once one discounts all the accidents. There have been glorious adventures through the years, and the best ones are shared. As Thoth, “Beaky” to his friends, says: Price and Participation Vary.
George O’Bradovich
Terre Haute
April 22, 2020
The near universal response filled with indignation is “To provide for a better life.” Yet, we must ask: “By what standard?” and therein we find the issue: there is no definition of “a better life”. We note the members of the “pro life” movement where success, we presume, is the elimination of induced abortions. Of course, natural abortions continue unabated at high rates and the opinion that there is a “right to life” is put to shame, shown to be a sham from a specious perspective. However, what do these members say of the infants and children and young adults who were “rescued”? Do they limit government funds for subsided food, shelter, and healthcare in the name of fiscal responsibility? As the “pro life” movement has a singular myopic goal, they have no overarching plan for the fulfillment of their mission, other than legislation and intimidation, not necessarily in that order. We may say that the more victories they achieve, the more dysfunctional society becomes as more people have inadequate food, shelter, education, and, finally, the modern standard of the second rate psychologist: support systems in the forms of friends and family. In conclusion to this part, we wonder if, as a society approaches its optimum, the needs for both second rate psychologists and support systems almost disappear.
The vast majority of humanity lives, has lived, and will always live under less than optimal conditions and many, through struggle, overcome these challenges, both those known to us, personally and known from historical accounts, and finally, the vast majority, the unknown and never to be known. Likewise, over the previous several years, we have been extraordinarily productive which we attribute as the result of our manner of coping with the unimaginable. We can state that the large scale social experiment may have success stories, but “stranger care”, by any objective standard, is a failure, yet it continues unabated. “Stranger care” is resilient precisely because of the state, the mob, and the church: people, the primary component of all three, never change.
If stranger care is successful, if it does meet undefined goals [“undefined goals” is the verbal garbage and mainstay of our three protagonists], then we point to the ordinary care by ordinary individuals as the reason for any “success” and such success is not laudable, but human, otherwise said- ordinary, all too ordinary. But stranger care, similar to mandatory public education, has no place for the exceptional. From our observations, home schooling is a case, in the words of the Master, of the blind leading the blind. The mob, the state, and the church consist of the mediocre and they distrust those not like themselves.
For the church, state, and mob to fail at “stranger care” is not a defect of any of the three, where “fail” is correctly understood as “abysmal failure”. We ask: How could they not fail, when their motivation consists of nothing but “good intentions”? Success or failure are not considerations in “stranger care”, but whether the intention is good. The Gentle Reader knows our opinion on the plastic words of “good” and “bad”. The mob, state, and church cannot have objective standards, lest they confront the unimaginable. Should objective standards of success be implemented, the scarcely imagined world of cognitive dissonance would duly present itself as the constituents would be confronted with their personal mediocrity. As it is now, the mob can state that the government and church are ran by greedy bastards and by incompetents and by know nothings. The vulgar do not understand that church and state cannot long endure if not for the constant support of the masses. The inability to accept accountability is another trait of the majority, for surely they know more about any topic. If the Gentle Researcher has doubts concerning this, then simply ask people, as they will be happy to enlighten the listener with their erudite opinions from Abyssinian poetry to the condition of restrooms in the textile industry and everything in between. They do not understand that they elect the officials, who vary from greedy to incompetent, and ministers, who range from being a know-it-all to incapable. Man may be a political animal, but not as the term is generally understood. As Pogo said, “We have met the enemy and he is us.”
“Fear and Guilt as Motivation” was a business advise book that I often promoted and quoted from during my excursion at Columbia House. That we never got around to writing it should not be held against Yours Truly. This corporate joint venture was the largest mail order company in the world with a track record second to none. In my first week, the telephone greeting was changed three times and, needless to say, my opinion of the company began its descent. If there were veiled or unambiguous comments and statements from management, then one could say there might be a communications breakdown, but no. Management utilized the fear of losing one’s employment and guilt that one could do better to “motivate” the staff. Needless to say that when I became a “fast food” manager, I did not resort to these tactics, but was, generally speaking, a rational employee and manager. I did my best to treat my subordinates as individuals and to not show favoritism. These valuable lessons were carried on to the Wonderful World of Occult Research with the Apprentices.
Of our three subjects, the church is the most obvious operator using fear and guilt as motivation. As a whole, this speaks volumes about people who attend these churches. The Gentle Reader may find a parallel being the rise of issues of “self esteem” and the spread of fundamentalist theology in the later half of the twentieth century. The fear of sin, whether actual or imagined; the fear of Hell, whether of the believer or of the unbeliever; the fear of not doing enough to insure the salvation of the unsaved. The guilt of the past, present guilt, and definitively the inevitable future guilt of sinning or not avoiding sin is enough to cause neuroses; not only among believers.
[We digress when we suggest that fear and guilt may, and we stress may in rare or exceptional cases, be a motivating factor for children who are not reasonable, that is, who lack reason and only operate emotionally. If guilt and fear are utilized, they need to be discontinued at the earliest possible time, lest the children become emotionally and intellectually stunted adults.]
From the previous two paragraphs, the Gentle Researcher may synthesize and surmise that the pews are filled with emotionally and intellectually stunted adults, led by emotionally and intellectually stunted ministers who seek to find emotionally and intellectually stunted nonbelievers to join their congregation. As P.T. Barnum said: “This way to the egress.” In conclusion to this part, the guilt of not being “good” and not receiving presents from Santa on Christmas is different in degrees, not kinds, from being bad and not receiving Heavenly Bliss from God on Judgment Day. We state that fundamentalists are the most egregious regarding salvation as faith alone and then, after salvation, requiring good works. In the legal profession this would be described as a “bait and switch”, where liberty in Christ is sought, but the Law is received instead. If money were involved, then this would be simony, in the church, or fraud, in business. Children can be forgiven, for why would rational people deceive the innocent about Santa Clause? However, adults should know from personal experience what evil lurks in the hearts of men and should be cautious about extraordinary religious claims with no evidence that only offer emotional satisfaction, such as getting that pony for Christmas. As Saint Paul wrote, when I was child I acted like a child, but I’ve grown up and put away childish things. Some people, Gentle Reader, grow old, but do not grow up.
One can easily find fear and guilt in socialist, Fascist, and Communist regimes, as well as absolute monarchies. According to Leo Strauss, the purpose of the city is to severely reduce or eliminate, if possible, the incidents of violent death. The aforementioned governments exploit man’s only natural terror. Whatever else may be said about these regimes, it seems that the intended populace does not consist of mature human beings possessing and applying rational though to the world. The Gentle Researcher may conclude that leaders of these governments are emotionally and intellectually stunted adults, as their motivation is not the welfare of others, but the liberal use of fear and guilt. We think our point has been made, however, these regimes should be compared to the American Union, where the recently discovered Natural Rights of man were the motivating factor for a new government. Either one is an advocate of fear and guilt, or an adherent of reason and the rational; either man has Natural Rights, or he is an expendable member of society.
People will not hesitate to use fear and guilt to insure conformity. Yet, what are the masses to do when individuals are rational and not intimidated by either fear or guilt? The answer is Socrates, wherein the will of the majority influences the minority who are judges, representing both the government and the Platonic idea of justice, who pass death sentences. Socrates did not suffer a violent death, as writing fiction is difficult enough without the added strain of a convincing final struggle and death scene that would be incongruous with the other Socratic dialogues, at best, and unbelievable, at worst.
*** April 8, 2020 7:23pm
We cannot tell if it is by accident or design that at birth humans are completely dependent and take from the world. By a certain point in time, adult humans begin to give back to the world, although the “giving” varies to by the abilities of any given subject. We dare not speculate on the motives thereof, but it a true observation for mature adults. We suppose that people give up their childish ways.
For aware human beings, there comes a time when the receiving does not seem equitable to the giving, and our concern regarding this matter has been ongoing for many years. We have expressed our gratitude in person, in essays, and through musical dedications. Yet, someone with so much energy and curiosity should be giving; not taking; and this inversion seems like a gross violation of the natural order. We did not despair for long and we went about our work, but we are tired by the relentlessness of various concerns, both physiological and psychological, that are more personal and temporal than professional and enduring. While we rationalize that we have given more than receive, this viewpoint is entirely based on how our works in toto are valued. It is clear that their current value approaches zero, but it is our hope that guides us that to declare that their future value will be accurately appraised in the fullness of time. As we to do not write to the majority, but write to young men who like to think, the value cannot be comprehended by the vast multitude of potential readers; such is the nature of our efforts and research.
***7:38pm
Our long ago professional diagnosis of depression might, we suggest, be might accurately display the symptoms of anxiety. We were skeptical of psychologists until we understood their methods were simply based on a large sample of people. Then, we learned there were no moral standards in modern psychology, as the behavior of the majority determine what is acceptable, and we become judgmental, all too judgmental of this modern science. And if we have suffered from anxiety for several decades, then it is only through the penultimate will to power that we’ve accomplished anything. Fortunately, our anxiety has been limited to family, friends, strangers, employment, and education. We doubt that “depression” is the reason for our avoidance of activities in high school such as dances, sports, theater, band, newspaper and yearbook, and socializing outside of school, all activities we would later enjoy, to various degrees of participation. There is no anxiety being alone: reading, thinking, writing, and painting, for if we were depressed in high school, then we suggest that we could not have engaged in these activities.
It is now clear that the parents did not think it was odd that I did not engage with many people [only a select handful, and this fact could be explained by the Capricorns’ desire for quality, not quantity], crowds, or extracurricular activities, for if they did have such thoughts, then it was not brought to my attention, to the best of my recollection, and I did not attend any therapy sessions. Presuming both that the behaviors of people are constant over time and that assuming certain parallels between the cohort of “Highschoolers”, then it is a certainty that my mostly rural peers partied as much, if not more, than the urban “Highschoolers”. However, I do not recall any discussion of parties and I did not receive any invitations, [one Friday night of drinking with Keith [a Libra and an underclassman who would later furnish beverages for one weekend at Purdue during my first semester] being the exception of my “partying” experience in high school.] We conclude that neither the parents nor my peers, or my teachers, for that matter, thought it odd that we were on the margins of high school society, as there were no interventions, as we say today.
I become the only senior out of five basketball managers after Mr. Walsh asked me repeatedly and later assured me that I would do little, as there were four underclassmen. At that time, I neither consistently watched sporting events nor ever played basketball, other than the physical education requirement for graduation. It is ironic that I knew so little about the game and, as we now know, ignorance is not a hindrance to a successful career in management. From the “Highschoolers” I have learned how to navigate high school. Clearly, we now know there was something amiss regarding my behavior in high school and, as I’m always the last to know, then my contemporaries certainly knew something was not quit right. They certainly knew it, since they had a much larger sample size, that is, their combined experiences with their own friends and family, than I did. Of course, we did not realize anything was a bit off, since we only had our limited experiences as our baseline. If they concluded I was an introvert, then I must confess that I was the only one they knew, which is highly unlikely.
Furthermore, if the diagnosis of depression were correct, then we suggest that the many years of various and oftentimes high levels of anxiety was the reason for our dissolution into depression. Of course, the realization that we were not depressed was part of our recovery, for through long and painful experience, anti-depression medications eliminate the creative aspect and we could not endure that prospect. By the time we realized that anti-anxiety medications would help, we were no longer in a position to afford such luxuries. Therefore, we did the best we could with our understanding as various situations presented themselves. Did we falter? Yes. Yes, we did when judged in hindsight by the results and not our reasonable course of action. “We’re only human after all.”
***
While fear and guilt are great motivators for future actions, we rarely experience either one. We limit fear by our long practice of thinking rationally and we rarely act without sufficient thought, so we almost never feel guilt for our actions, no matter how horrible. The horror of certain actions that are thoroughly thought out will be left for the Gentle Researcher to ponder. On the occasions when we do falter, our inner monologues say “I’m only human after all.” and after acknowledging the veracity of the statement, we respond, “Yes, I’m only human.”; sometimes we finish the lyric: “and born to make mistakes.” However, we do experience regret, both of doing and not doing, the nagging thought of what if we did something different, the results would be different. In one case, the result would remain, but I would feel better, then and to this day.
If we have difficulties with relationships, then this non experience, which I intentionally avoided with the express purpose of limiting my personal pain and suffering, is perhaps the reason for our emotional distance from people and our notable lack of demonstrative affection. We now know that loyalty is not a character flaw and painfully aware that death comes to us all, yet we thought we could be disloyal and avoid the unimaginable, to deny both reality and our feelings, and I was wrong. Surprisingly, these regrets are not about major decisions or significant actions that had a large impact on our life, but the small things, or actions of little consequence that mostly only I know of, or in some cases, a few people, and wish I could change them.
I wish I could change them because those actions are not the finest examples of who I should have been, but who I was, sometimes decades ago. I regret that I was not the person that I have become; to know of and act on virtue, but I feel that I should have been the person I have become. We are aware that our personal growth is retarded when compared to our peers and we do not know if this retardation is me being me or me being a Capricorn. While regret is not a great motivator, it is a motivator to not make the same choices and to avoid certain outcomes and, thereby, limit any additional feelings of regret. It seems that fear and guilt, given enough time and experiences, recede into the shadows of our mind, never to impose themselves, unlike the feelings of regret, which only continue to accumulate. We have not completely overcome these regrets and still recall them, in all their pain, heartache, and anguish, at will.
***
Capricorns hate waste, as the fullness of utility presents efficiency and productivity and if we Capricorns are more productive and efficient than others, then we will be more successful. And success is the calling of all Capricorns.
[Proposed IQ for High School: 100-110]
IQ for a bachelors: 115
Proposed IQ for a Masters: 120
Median IQ for a Doctorate or terminal degree: 125
The vast majority of people with doctorates will fall between 120 and 130.
***April 9, 2020 1:04pm 5 hours 13 minutes to full charge
There is not much more to write and definitely not much more to do. The weather is continuously cold with steady winds.
“Checking out on the prison bus.” - Radioactive, Imagine Dragons
2:01 45 minutes
“Heaven ain’t close in a place like this.”
“The universe is not a strange place, it is stranger than we can imagine.”
***
6:38pm Monday April 20, 2020 in the Taco Bell shed.
I am exhausted mentally and physically. The editing of “Orthodxy” is slow going, even with the accordion feature. 2 of 13 sections done. “The beloved Disciple” is muddled and “My father works on the sabbath and so do I” is kinda rambling. I’m concerned that if I stop, then everything will fall apart.
I owe so much to so many that it is not possible to repay them all. As time goes on, the music arrangements and essays seem trite.
I feel that the hole that I’m is just inescapable. I catch myself thinking “What if?”, which I rarely of, more often than is either necessary or beneficial. I’m not really depressed, as I continue to work on the 3 essays, I’m just, I don’t know. Needing a rest? I haven’t been sleeping well, so maybe that is the issue. I’m no more stressed than normal, as though stress and anxiety should be the normal and not the exceptions to how one feels.
I’ve made the conscious decision to not contact the Highschoolers. Only a few keep in contact, and I know, and remember well, being in my teens and 20s so I do understand. My withdrawal from actively seeking the Apprentices is, no doubt, a major step. It’ll probably be best for all concerned if I just move on. I now know that, at one time, seeing them made me hopeful. Of course, due to my vicarious living, I confounded their hopeful future with mine. I no longer hold on to that feeling of hope for myself, but I do for the Highschooler.s They are a remarkable group, even if none were to be elevated to Apprentices.
If it difficult for me to show or express affection and gratitude, then I suppose that affection and gratitude are not viable aspects of vicarious living. I feel, even as a Capricorn, but I’m really not affectionate, except with kids, who do not know what evil and the irrational are, and pets, especially dogs.
“Every living creature dies alone.” -Roberta Sparrow
I should’ve been there, but I didn’t go for two days; I never went, I had the opportunity, I was in denial that the end was near and if I avoid it, it won’t happen. And after all these years, this possibility, this scenario still sneaks up on me and haunts me. “What else makes you feel regret?”, Dr. Thurman asked. “That I didn’t go.”, said Donnie.
I probably oughta forgive myself, acknowledge the facts and move on, but I can’t. There was the time before Monday, July 14, and then everything after that, the steady decline, not a decline really, but a surreal world, one that sorta looked and sorta felt like the previous one, but still different enough to be notice by me. Was I depressed? Was I in a type of shock, or a denial? I cannot say for certain. Perhaps the truth is that I am not either mentally equipped or prepared by adversity, and when challenges arise, I go into my own world.
My own world that gets smaller each passing year. It is, more or less, a comfortable world, with just my thoughts and memories, those quirky and amusing memories that are scattered through the years. The challenges seem insurmountable, which is silly, but still the way I feel about them. The challenges really happen when there is more than one crisis at a time. I don’t know how to approach the situations, so I just let things go, which, of course, makes everything worse, both short term and long term. Plato wrote that nothing pertaining to humanity is important. Sometimes, I agree & other times I don’t. Plato is the kind of author that you agree with initially, then after time, you question if you agreement is valid. Plato is kinda like Socrates, but Plato doesn’t ask 20 questions and made you feel stupid, just so Socrates can claim he doesn’t know anything and, therefore, can’t teach.
Metal and water. Strange. It doesn’t really bother me like it used to. I suppose it is because I don’t ever see things working for the best- “Just existing” is not living. I’m not designed to just “be”, I’ve gotta be doing things. I think I’ve done enough, and if I haven’t, then I don’t see how one or two more papers is gonna make a difference. The quality is not there as it was before, it is slipping and I can’t do much about it. A few more papers and then I’ll be done. I’ve got over 800 web pages, over everything that I like, or found interesting, or if it was just odd enough, bizarre enough. The arrangements, the paintings, the original compositions. Aren’t these enough? Have we always been hounded by that eternal thought: You haven’t done enough, you need to do more. Is this why we had a stroke in our 30’s? The incessant internal pressure to do more ‘cause we can do more, but we never have stopped to ask, “Should we do more?”
Recently, one of the Apprentices accused me of writing his introductory Apprentice paper, and by extension, that I’ve written all the Apprentices’ papers. I responded that all the papers have different styles, indicating different authors. I was still accused of doing their papers and I finally responded, to the effect, that you think I’m gonna take the time to imitate the speaking styles of the Apprentices, just so it can be thought that they wrote them? As if I’ve got time to recall conversations with the Apprentices in vivid detail, so I can mimic their syntax, vocabulary, and other quirks. “I swear…”
7:32pm in the shed.
***
April 22, 2020
5:31pm in the shed
The last three papers have been saved to the Wayback Machine. I didn’t think I’d be able to finish them, and even if they’re not ideal, the reader’ll understand the points. The next four days are scheduled for rain. Everything is done. It has been exhausting walking an hour to the Secret Garden to sleep and an hour back to Wabash everyday. Gabe bought my cola and chips, so I’m loaded up on carbs.
To say there is no hope is to imply that one knows all outcomes. The statement that “There is no hope” should be modified so that it is more specific, as hope guides us and is a quintessential human quality.
There are no reasonable circumstances that are foreseeable to get out the hole that I’ve found myself. Tomorrow is Saint George Day.
The hole not only consists of the heaviness of the situation, but the feeling that I owe so many so much and I can’t pay them back. It is a mental burden that should be assiduously avoided when circumstances permit. I believe that I’ve kept going for these many years is due almost exclusively to my will, my will to research and to create. Of course, there is the feeling of not to disappoint anyone. But, if truth be told, I’m more disappointing in myself than anyone else could be, for I alone know what could’ve been if things, external circumstances, were different.
5:48pm
I will not fall into nihilism and say that nothing matters, ‘cause I don’t think or feel that way. “I had to fall and loose it all...and in the end, nothing even matters.” Certain things matter, but not like they used to. The most important things now seem trivial. Every page has been saved to the WayBack Machine, because my life’s work does matter. It matters to me that my life will not seem like it was lived in vain. I can’t state that cosmos has a purpose or goal, ‘cause almost everything I’ve experienced, except for a few things, can properly be understood as accidents. There is change in the world, but to say that things [Nature and people] are improving or approaching a goal is not an accurate statement. Yet, I can’t help but wonder, in all that is in the world, is there not the possibility of an ultimate goal, once one discounts all the accidents. There have been glorious adventures through the years, and the best ones are shared. As Thoth, “Beaky” to his friends, says: Price and Participation Vary.
George O’Bradovich
Terre Haute
April 22, 2020